Couples sometimes tell me, a little proudly, that they never fight. Others worry because they fight often. In my experience the number of arguments matters much less than what happens after them.

Repair starts with a pause. Most of us can’t listen well while our heart is racing, so it’s fine to say “I want to finish this, but I need twenty minutes”, and then come back when you said you would.

When you do come back, start with your own part, however small. “I got sharp when you mentioned my mother” opens a door that “you always start this” closes.

Try to understand what the argument was really about. Fights about dishes or phones are often about feeling unimportant, unappreciated or alone. Naming that feeling is usually where things soften.

If the same argument keeps coming back, or you can’t find your way back after it, that’s a good moment to bring it to a couples session. Patterns are easier to see from the outside.